the in between

I feel kind of caught between two extremes right now, in the sense of relationships.  On the one hand, I’m perfectly content to keep on how I’ve always been and ignore everyone at any given opportunity and refuse to answer my phone. And then, there’s the other extreme, the part of my mind that just really regrets missing out on all the things I did in high school, about not having any real relationships, and having no romantic prospects whatsoever.

I’m pretty sure that making friends wouldn’t be a real problem. I’m not terribly outgoing, but when I do “get out,” people have a tendency to gravitate towards me whether I want them to or not. And as far as the whole romantic relationships thing goes, I’ve had prospects that could have gone somewhere. Like Jon.

Jon was a guy who went the the Atlanta Anime Weekend convention with me, Ally, and Koko. I spent most of the time at the con with him while Ally and Koko ran around in costume. He’s really smart, reads a ton, and keeps up with all the same sorts of things I do. We traded phone numbers and talked back and forth. He even hinted at inviting me out to a rare/used book store down in Atlanta for the day. And what did I do? I found a catch. I pointed out the one thing that would make me not like him and to cease answering his phone calls: I met him through my brother.

They lived together in Roswell during the time that my brother wa out of the house. Jon, at the time, was a raging alcoholic. He’s two years sober right now.

But–the fact that he was close with my brother–and still is–was enough to put me off him. That’s something I noticed abou relationships in general. There’s a trend: I get close with a person, they hint at wanting to ask me out (or actually do it), and I find a reason to push them away and act like it would be a bad thing.

I’d really just like to be able to have a normal relationship with someone. The only person I can really handle being around a lot, disagreeing with, and all the things that normal relationships have is with Koko, who’s basically like my sister in a lot of ways.

Just something I was thinking about.

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